Humour
“Three jokes a day keeps the doctor away.”
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Laughter Therapy boosts the immune system, lowers blood pressure, reduces stress, relaxes muscles, fights infection, releases endorphins, relieves pain, stimulates the heart and lungs, and improves memory and creativity plus a few other things.
Natural laughter and forced laughter create the same results.
Meditative Practice: Sit for five minutes each day and force laughter.
The 2024 World
Submarine Racing Championships
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, ‘Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? ‘
‘The Lone Ranger replies, ‘I see millions of stars.’
‘What that tell you?’ asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, ‘Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What’s it tell you, Tonto?’
It tell me…’You dumber than buffalo dung.... It means someone stole the tent.
One Liners
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be and
my short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
When you work here, you can name your own salary,
I named mine, "Fred".
How I Learned To Mind My Own Business
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13.....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on......
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14.....14'...
Headlines
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Celibacy
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife’s hand gently, and whispered,
'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy.........
Attorney and Witness
(things people actually said in court)
Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
Attorney: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
Witness: We both do.
Attorney: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Attorney: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Getting laid
____________________________________________
Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
_________________________________________
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
What She Wants In A Man!
Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
Husband and Wife
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
Who Does What
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Six Things To Make You Smile
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Procrastinate Now!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Two Little Kids
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.
The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'
The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'
The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'
The first kid says, 'A circumcision. '
Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.. Couldn't walk for a year.
Cure for Insomnia
Get plenty of sleep.
Cure for Obesity
Stop eating so much.
Ninety Year Olds
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
Children Write about the Ocean
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come.
My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)
Cardiovascular Health-Simple Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some..
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down.
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
"Old" Is When...
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative today.
An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
"Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot..
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
